Meditations

 For nearly 25 years, I chased ‘truth’ as the ultimate goal of my life. I always dreamt of going beyond ‘being human’ in some other dimensions to perceive all that could be perceived as things-in-themselves. This led me to scriptures and spiritual texts. I also read well known spiritual masters like Gurdjieff, Raman maharishi, zen masters, yogis, tantrics etc. I experimented with different meditation techniques and spiritual rituals. All this was not worthless. I came to realize the truth of spiritual practices. I also realized my limitations as a human. I have a scientific background so naturally my tools for objective comprehension of reality were observations, logic and mathematics. I realized that the world could be modelled with language and mathematics to an approximation. With mathematics I could go beyond my sensual perceptions and could comprehend something like an n-dimensional manifold but still my comprehension is limited. Mathematics is not helpful in dealing with the meaninglessness, absurdity, uncertainty and melancholy of life. I always asked ” I am doing this or that but what am I doing actually?” . Proving this or that theorem! Then what? Abstracting this or that! Then what? Modelling this or that! Then what? I felt like I am not touched by these abstractions and theories. Now I am a nihilist. I know that the life is meaningless and all that I can have as truth is too-human. I don’t chase truth anymore. Evolution is at work.