Observer

 

 

 I have no contribution to my existence. My consciousness is not earned by me. All of mine is given to me by nature. Even this possibility of describing myself this way. How can I feel proud! I am nothing in myself. All these tools of observation,  all these faculties of analysis… everything. I earned nothing!

  For nearly 25 years, I chased ‘truth’ as the ultimate goal of my life. I always dreamt of going beyond ‘being human’ in some other dimensions to perceive all that could be perceived as things-in-themselves. This led me to scriptures and spiritual texts. I also read well known spiritual masters like Gurdjieff, Raman maharishi, zen masters, yogis, tantrics etc. I experimented with different meditation techniques and spiritual rituals. All this was not worthless. I came to realize the truth of spiritual practices. I also realized my limitations as a human. I have a scientific background so naturally my tools for objective comprehension of reality were observations, logic and mathematics. I realized that the world could be modelled with language and mathematics to an approximation. With mathematics I could go beyond my sensual perceptions and could comprehend something like an n-dimensional manifold but still my comprehension is limited. Mathematics is not helpful in dealing with the mea

 I find my pessimistic and nihilistic being consoled by Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Camus, Cioran, Zapffe, Mainlander, Bahnsen, Unamuno, Pessoa, Ligotti (as a writer of ‘The conspiracy against the human race’), Thacker, Benatar and others. My imperfect human heart gets consoled by the writings of Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Voltaire, Kafka, Hesse, Oscar Wilde, Shestov, Solzhenitsyn, Lispector, Rilke, Leopardi, Huysmans, Baldwin, Hemingway, Beckett and others. My rebellious being finds consolation in the works of Sade, Masoch, Genet, Casanova, Bataille, Henry Miller, Anais Nin, D H Lawrence, Nabokov, Rimbaud, Verlaine, Cocteau, Rachilde, Sand, Stendhal, Bukowski, Salinger, Edmund white, Michel Houellebecq and others. My intellectual self enjoys Heraclitus, Aurelius, Seneca, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Spinoza, Kant, Hegel, william James, Hume, Sartre, Derrida, Wittgenstein, Foucault, Russell, Heidegger, Huxley, Freud, Jung, Sanders Peirce, Merleau-Ponty, Vonnegut, Deleuze, Lyotard, Barthes, Badio